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29 Mar

These are the moments when I stop breathing. It’s ridiculous to think that you can hear my hitched breaths, particularly with the smacks and cries flooding your back yard, but fear of discovery makes me as wooden as the fence I’m pressed against.
I watch your legs kick — although the left seems to be more the runner of the two, with its enthusiastic jolts and scissoring.
He is efficient and fearsome in his concentration. Amid your wild arm movements and open-mouthed grimaces, he stays on task, coloring your bottom evenly, pausing to pin one wayward arm against your back. You have far more spunk now than I’ve ever seen at the Neighborhood Association meetings.
My friend, what have you done to deserve this outdoor treatment?
And is there a good deed I can do to receive the same?

Simple conflict resolution

7 Oct
Conflicts in relationships can be a valuable opportunity for increasing communication between the two of you. Conflict is not necessarily a bad thing.

When you are in the midst of conflict, one relationship guru suggests you take the LEAD approach (Listen, Explore, Affirm, Decide) to manage it respectfully and calmly. Finding her advice useful, I have adapted it for you here at The Pink Report.

Listen to what is being said.

Take your fingers out of your ears long enough to hear why he is upset. Clarify. Many conflicts arise out of a simple lack of understanding — avoid making assumptions about how he is feeling, but instead repeat his words back to him.

ex: “I hear you say that you do not like it when I slam the door in your face. I understand that you think it’s disrespectful.”

Keep a straight face throughout this clarification process. This is key.

Explore the feelings that come up.

Sometimes conflict escalates because something about the situation is an emotional trigger for us. Try to treat this incident as completely separate from the past. You can manage conflict more effectively if you deal only with the matter at hand.

ex: “Just because I slammed the door on you last week does not mean that I’m making a habit of it. I really think what’s happening here is that the door needs to be checked as I certainly didn’t mean to slam it today.”

Proceed to show him how easily the door slams with little effort by repeatedly shutting the door in his face. “See? It really is way too easy to slam this door.”

Affirm the other person’s point of view.

You don’t have to agree to understand the other’s point of view. Simply acknowledging and validating someone’s feelings can be a powerful tool for resolving conflict positively. At the end of the day, most people just want to be heard.

For this phase, it is sometimes helpful to be completely naked except for an eye-catching accessory.

ex: “I understand that you don’t like it when I slam the door. I understand that it hurts your ears and disturbs the peace. Don’t these heels make my legs look longer?”

Decide on a fair course of action.

Now that you have a clear idea of what the problem is and where the person is coming from, it is time to explore some solutions. Choose the soundest option to deal with the offense. Plan to revisit your decision within a specified period of time to see how you are doing and what changes, if any, need to be made.

ex: “I promise to never, ever slam the door again. And you shall hug me now for doing it. And give me daily reminder hugs for the next week. Is that fair? No? A spanking?! And another one tomorrow morning?”

You are on your own for the negotiations stage as I have not yet perfected my own game. Please email me any useful tips so I can provide further relationship advice to readers in need.

Warning: spanking may lead to…

27 Sep
I spend a lot of time discussing the virtues of spanking but haven’t described the pitfalls. So what kind of hidden dangers are we looking at?

  1. Blindness;
  2. A knowing look from the Fed-Ex delivery man;
  3. Blog-writing;
  4. The annoying habit of confessing all of your misdeeds, even when not asked;
  5. A vocabulary riddled with acronyms: DD, D/s, HOH, OTK, BDSM;
  6. The sudden urge to eat an apple;

  8. Purchasing belts that are way too big for your waist and that you’d never wear in public;
  9. Uncontrolled blushing at the oft used phrase “spanking new”;
  10. Sentimental attachment to your furniture and other inexplicable objects. “That couch? Sure it’s old and ratty, but I can’t *bare* to part with it.”;
  11. Difficulty in explaining why the forearms and hands of a man are the first things you notice;
  12. A new paint job for all of the corners in your house;
  13. Friends mistaking you for a grand cook due to your extensive kitchen implement collection;
  14. The irrepressible and narcissistic need to look at your butt in every mirror you pass;
  15. The loss of a perfectly good bike to further your spanking endeavors.

Don’t say you haven’t been warned about these very serious, very real side-effects.

Going Green

1 Sep

Tip for going green:

Dry your panties by hand. Wring out the panties first, otherwise it will take far too long (and although you may not lose interest, you may lose stamina).

Put on the damp panties. Assume the position, and have your “hand-dryer” start spanking vigorously.

After about 20 minutes, the back of your panties should be fairly dry. But the gusset? Hmm…wetter than ever. And maybe not so clean anymore.

Repeat the process until you achieve favorable results.

I’m unsure of this method for other articles of clothing; in fact, I doubt it would work so well.

As conscientious citizens, we all must do our part, however small. The Earth will thank you for it.

Er…umm…excuse me?

23 Aug

…I thought you might want to know, you have an eensie weensie hole, about yay big, right…there.

I know men don’t notice this sort of thing, so I really thought I should tell you.

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