The Weight

7 Jul
It starts at my shoulders, with tension. It grows, spreading its fingers up my neck and into my jaw, down my spine to sit at my lower back. It’s worry; it’s anger. It’s heavy and becoming harder to carry alone, yet impossible to let go.

I begin by whispering into the phone, “I have a confession.”
There is a pause, and he makes me fill it.
“I have not done anything,” I insist. “But…I need…”
Of all of the times I’ve wished for silence, this is not one of them. Yet, it persists. I feel the anger rise — I cannot play this game. He knows what I need, knows how hard it is for me to admit it when my jaw is locked this tightly.
“Forget it,” I hiss, feeling immediate regret. “Never mind,” I mumble, wishing I’d never picked up the phone. I stay on the line, hoping.
“I know what you need,” he finally admits. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

It is not so simple as a spanking. The mechanics of a spanking are not what will deliver relief. Anyone can lift his hand and let it drop on an upturned target. Just as I can bring myself pleasure, I could equally bring myself pain — alone, in my bedroom, with no one to witness it.
I do not want to be alone. I need someone to share in the weight of me. I need a witness, a confessor.
He does not come immediately. He cannot. But he comes for me, just as he said he would. His eyes are soft but his words bite. I am stung and ashamed and quiet and grateful.

This time he unbuttons my pants. He folds them down to my thighs before pulling me to him.
“Is this what you need?” He asks.
I grab his ankle and squeeze.

20 Responses to “The Weight”

  1. steve July 7, 2011 at 11:07 pm #

    simple honesty works every time

    • Barely Pink July 8, 2011 at 10:30 am #

      If I can get the words out, yes it does.

  2. D July 7, 2011 at 11:20 pm #

    I’ll help with that heavy weight. We’ll start with all those heavy clothes.

    • Barely Pink July 8, 2011 at 10:30 am #

      What heavy clothes? I’m not wearing anything. 😉

  3. Erica July 8, 2011 at 12:33 am #

    Oh, yum.

    So hard to ask, isn’t it? I wonder why that is. But they KNOW.

    • Barely Pink July 8, 2011 at 10:32 am #

      For funishment, I have no problem. For stress relief or discipline, etc, it’s so incredibly hard. You’re right. They always know. Are we that easy to read?

  4. Raven Red July 8, 2011 at 2:11 am #

    Sullen is what uncle Nick calls it, and when I respond with a sulking silence, his voice normally softens as he asks me if I need a spanking. But it is never a question – it is a statement. One that I always accept with relief…but to be honest, not nearly as gracious as you. I tend to hold onto the resentment until the wall has been totally broken down…stubborn is a word he also uses a bit.



    • Barely Pink July 8, 2011 at 10:44 am #

      Raven, I have moments like that, too, when all I want to do is yell and fight it. And when we are like that, and they are quiet, isn’t it a relief when he asks, “do you need a spanking?”

  5. Dave July 8, 2011 at 3:19 am #

    Hummmm………your writing makes me swoon. I love it.

    • Barely Pink July 8, 2011 at 10:44 am #

      Oh, to have a man like you swooning is such a compliment. Thank you.

  6. Season July 8, 2011 at 8:16 am #

    The path of honesty. The path of non-bratting. “Yes” indeed. Thank you for this, Miss Pink. 🙂

    • Barely Pink July 8, 2011 at 10:45 am #

      Don’t get me wrong. I’m still a brat. 😛

      • Season July 9, 2011 at 9:07 am #

        But you come by it honestly! 😀

      • Barely Pink July 9, 2011 at 9:33 am #

        Haha…Spoken like someone who knows.

  7. Ally July 8, 2011 at 11:44 am #

    Ohhhh… so that’s how to get rid of the knots in my shoulders. That sound infinately better than advil and a muscle relaxer. 🙂

    • Barely Pink July 8, 2011 at 12:35 pm #

      Think of it as a massage. 🙂

      Hi, Ally!

  8. bree July 9, 2011 at 1:23 am #

    (bree says these words softly and thankfully in her lowest possible whisper) God Pink….you are an amazing writer and I am so jealous of that. Sigh. Thank you….

    • Barely Pink July 9, 2011 at 8:22 am #

      It is my turn to be thankful. bree, I appreciate these kind words more than you can know.

  9. Lea July 9, 2011 at 6:55 pm #

    Great post. I have such a hard time asking, why don’t they just do what they know we want? 😉

    • Barely Pink July 10, 2011 at 11:31 am #

      I think they do know. They just like making us say it. 😉

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