Breaking Bad

19 Apr

I cannot be bad.
 
I know right from wrong and act accordingly. I don’t cheat, lie or steal, smoke, drink irresponsibly or spend superfluously. I’m rarely catty, forsaking that middle-school urge for a more direct approach.
 
In short, I am precisely the woman I never thought I’d be while partying my way through undergrad: responsible, civic-minded, a model citizen (apart from that salt shaker I recently “borrowed” from Denny’s which I swear I will return).
 

When I’m spanked it’s most often a display of submission and sexuality rather than discipline and obedience.
 
But, dammit, I want to be bad.
 
I want the lecture, the equal measure of disappointment and remorse, the forgiveness and redemption. I want to sniffle and plead as I hesitantly unbutton my pants and implore him with my eyes and words. I miss the stomach-sickening uncertainty and the trust-affirming authenticity of a true disciplinary spanking.
 
I want to know that he loves me, even when I’m worse than bratty. I want him to take me even when I’m bad.
 

Do I manufacture this, this badness? Will that undermine my relationship with him — and would the discipline still be authentic?
 
Here’s my goal: set goals. Ask him to hold me accountable to them and offer true discipline when I fall short.
 
Not one to procrastinate, I shall start away.
 
Goal #1: start smoking. Perhaps I’m better at being bad than I thought, eh?

24 Responses to “Breaking Bad”

  1. steve April 19, 2011 at 10:51 pm #

    start with someting easier to quit wen you need to like heroin or something. Or maybe find a different kind of badness altogether.

    • Barely Pink April 20, 2011 at 6:00 pm #

      Yes, perhaps something less destructive to my health would be called for. Either way, I was kind of kidding about the smoking, although even now, after quitting, it holds allure. I hate that it still holds an appeal to me — I’ve heard it’s more addictive than heroin. I wouldn’t know from personal experience, but I can’t imagine much being more addictive than nicotine.

      • steve April 20, 2011 at 6:27 pm #

        I can think of only one thing more addictive:)

      • Barely Pink April 20, 2011 at 6:32 pm #

        Yes, coffee has its hooks in me, too. 😛

      • steve April 20, 2011 at 6:35 pm #

        almost. Keep up the good work

      • Barely Pink April 20, 2011 at 6:55 pm #

        Thanks, Steve. Your encouragement is always…encouraging. 🙂

  2. Dioneo April 19, 2011 at 11:08 pm #

    How about some candy cigarettes? Then you can look like a bad girl without risking lung cancer. I doubt you’d have to “manufacture badness” to get a real discipline spanking; I’m sure there’s some vice you genuinely have… too quick with witty/snarky comments? …too generous with others at the expense of yourself? …excessive masturbation? …I’m sure there’s something. 😉

    • Barely Pink April 20, 2011 at 6:03 pm #

      Ha…your knowledge of me shines through on that comment, Dioneo. I’ve gotten much better about the generosity thing after D’s and my last go-’round over it. I’m downright stingy now. (Umm..not quite, but getting a whole lot better.)

      And the excessive masturbation…lol, I won’t even ‘touch’ that. 😛

  3. Sierra April 19, 2011 at 11:10 pm #

    Lmao start smoking she says! You crack me up!

    That gut wrenching is lovely and terrible at the same time…. And certainly addicting. There’s something wonderful about being held accountable isn’t there? 🙂

    • Barely Pink April 20, 2011 at 6:04 pm #

      There really is. But it’s a case of ‘be careful what you wish for’. A disciplinary spanking is no fun during, but it’s the most meaningful to me (and it sounds like it is to many people as well).

  4. Velvet April 20, 2011 at 2:44 am #

    Oh I so get that feeling too. The anticipation of a lecture and a discipline session excites me so much, I crave that feeling, it is addictive and yet I do not want to let Him down. Such a dilemma. I like the idea of goals though, or in my case tasks or challenges. Not only is there the undoubted thrill of carrying out the task, put also the real posibility of genuine failure and therefore a genuine cause for discipline.

    Hugs,
    Velvet ❤

    • Barely Pink April 20, 2011 at 6:08 pm #

      Yes, I think it’s the way to go: either there will be a reason to celebrate (always good) or a reason for discipline (good after the fact).

      My last discipline spanking was…well, it was in August. I don’t foresee the need for another one in the immediate future, but I find myself desperately wanting one. (And dreading it at the same time.)

      Have you tried a goal-oriented approach, Velvet?

      Hugs!

  5. Zelle April 20, 2011 at 12:07 pm #

    Yo Pink………….

    …….You had ME hooked…

    at “take me”.

    • Barely Pink April 20, 2011 at 6:09 pm #

      That far in, huh? Gosh, I’m losing my touch. 😛

  6. Brett April 20, 2011 at 2:45 pm #

    That really is a fascinating conundrum. To me the most powerful spanking scene is real punishment for actual bad behavior. Just those words, she’s been a bad girl, are so provocative. That’s the drama and emotion I look for, but if in the search we must contrive, then is it real? And is acting out in negative ways to set up the drama a healthy thing? I admire and respect someone who is responsible, thoughtful, generous, kind, got it together and all, and yet flaws and vulnerabilities can be so attractive when she needs nurture and redemption.

    Obviously, bad or unhealthy behavior comes more naturally to some than others. 🙂 We can put a discipline regime in place, then hold ourselves to higher standards than we’re able to maintain. That’s still contrived and falls short of being “bad,” but it’s maybe all there is until the real thing happens to us.

    • Barely Pink April 20, 2011 at 6:16 pm #

      It really is one of the bigger dilemmas in TTWD. I want to be healthy and responsible, but need to occasionally feel the consequences of when I’m neither. At this point in my life, I am capable of making the best decisions for myself most of the time. So do I deviate? And will the consequences mean as much if, deep down, I know that I contrived them?

      I really think challenging, yet attainable, goals for myself would be a good solution. I’m good, but I could be better. 😉 There’s a whole lot on my list of things to do that I haven’t done yet.

      Let’s start with my mountain of laundry.

      Thanks, Brett, for your always insightful take on things.

  7. D April 20, 2011 at 6:40 pm #

    Shakespeare pondered it this way: To be bad, or not to be bad…That is the question.

    He was obviously a good Dom with a well trained sub who struggled with the end of basic training. How was she to know about what awaited her at the next level?

    • Barely Pink April 20, 2011 at 6:54 pm #

      Hmmm, my appreciation for the bard just greatly increased.

      That last bit sounds ominous…usually at the next level you will find cherries and bonus points. Could that be what you mean?

  8. Raven Red April 20, 2011 at 6:46 pm #

    Miss Pink

    From my experiences lately, it seems that the bad girl behaviour comes at a time, when I really do not want to be in trouble.

    But then on the other hand, I have been blessed with this talent to do the most insane things at just the incorrect moment…eh, recording a punishment session on video, decides it is awful, not going to send it, then change my mind about sending it, just to find out I deleted it…by accident! (sigh..)

    I just never seem to win. 😉

    Hugs

    Raven

    • Barely Pink April 20, 2011 at 6:54 pm #

      You did not! That is too funny, Raven. I guess you will have to make another video, then. 😛

  9. Jon April 21, 2011 at 11:13 am #

    Wonderful post Pink! A fun look at your inner naughtiness 🙂

    • Barely Pink April 21, 2011 at 11:08 pm #

      The inner naughtiness that is fighting to be my outer naughtiness. I’ll let you know how that works for me.

  10. Elizabeth Forster April 29, 2011 at 5:25 am #

    Love the post. Love the images. But why should I single out this one? I needed to tell you that you simply know how to get it right.

    Well done, as always

    Liz

    • Barely Pink April 29, 2011 at 1:56 pm #

      Thanks, Liz! My other posts won’t be jealous.

      Have a fantastic weekend away!

      Hugs,

      Pink

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