The Love Buffet

9 Apr

I tell you this so you will understand my history.
 
I was the woman who didn’t feel. I was the woman who didn’t cry, from spankings or otherwise. I watched other couples, holding hands and gazing into each others’ eyes, like I was conducting a sociological study: this is man, in love.
 

 
For most of my life, I considered myself incapable of loving and allowing love in. I was adept at simulating the appropriate emotions without involving my heart.
 
Even in marriage I feigned love, knowing that something was missing, something key that prevented me from being whole. I was the Great Pretender. I played the part of wife as best I could and finally, exhausted from the effort, stepped off the stage.
 

 
Later, and with irony, a broken heart taught me that I am whole. In submission, I could love. I could hurt and cry and go through heartbroken depression like a normal person. Apart from my profound sadness, there was nothing wrong with me. Since then, since my acceptance of submission, I can’t stop feeling. It’s been one big, emotional party for a year: a love buffet.
 
D and I weren’t supposed to be together this long. With decades and distance between us, we had no expectations of anything beyond a spanking relationship. He wished I was older; I wished he was younger. We both wished we were closer. Now we just wish for more time together.
 

 
I feel the occasional pull of my sedated history. I find myself going blank, fearing the emotions that swarm around and through me, wanting to disappear again into my unfeeling fog. But I let him love me; I let myself love him.
 
Together, we found our rhythm in spanking and poetry.
 

27 Responses to “The Love Buffet”

  1. Zelle April 9, 2011 at 11:07 pm #

    Ahhh yes.. (smiles).. my dearest Pink has found “Rapture with the Lion”….

    One of my favorite lines.. comes from “Shakespear with love”.. and it goes like this……

    “I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No…not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening. But love that…overthrows life. Unbiddable, yet.. “governable”, like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, I find rapture with the Lion.”

    Keep on loving, and keep on writing… you and the “D-meister” make me smile…

    🙂

    • Barely Pink April 10, 2011 at 10:41 am #

      Great quote and perfect for this! I had the playful, poetical games of love for amusement of an evening. Those tided me over for a bit. But, yeah…”Rapture with the Lion.” Give me some of that!:)

    • Rayne April 10, 2011 at 11:35 am #

      Omg Zelle I LOVE that movie and especially that quote — Bravo!!

      • Barely Pink April 10, 2011 at 1:19 pm #

        That quote is perfect!

        (Hi Rayne!!)

  2. Paolo in Dublin April 10, 2011 at 2:08 am #

    “Now we just wish for more time together.”….I hope this particular wish is granted for you guys 😉

    • Barely Pink April 10, 2011 at 10:43 am #

      Thanks, Paolo! We try to make the most of the time we do have together and squeeze in more wherever we can find it.

  3. Brett April 10, 2011 at 4:39 am #

    I’m no expert on love, but I learned it wasn’t something to look for. It eventually found me. Captured me. I’m glad it found you, Pink. It may be safer to try to hide from love, but it will leave that place empty. Gorge yourself.

    • Barely Pink April 10, 2011 at 10:44 am #

      I’ve got my face pushed into the plate, Brett. 🙂

  4. J April 10, 2011 at 6:48 am #

    Ah yes, love.
    If you have it, then revel in it and avoid the “fog” at all costs.
    You deserve nothing less.
    xxx
    J

    • Barely Pink April 10, 2011 at 10:51 am #

      Thanks, J. It’s been a relief to get out of the fog.

  5. Cruel Intentions April 10, 2011 at 6:54 am #

    Pink So much of what you say about living life as a watcher not a participant rings true for so many including myself. It takes a conscious decision to allow yourself to be involved in life and the first and most difficult step is to trust in another person with all your heart.
    I see daily reminders from all you rosy bottomed girls of that trust and feel a sadness for those that won’t allow themselves the same comfort

    Cruel

    • Barely Pink April 10, 2011 at 1:18 pm #

      So true, Cruel.

      Submission opened the door for me because it requires a trust that I hadn’t been willing to give before. I don’t want to say that is the reason for my submissiveness, but it might play a big part in it, particularly because I am not outwardly submissive.

      • little_butterfly April 13, 2011 at 2:04 am #

        “Submission opened the door for me because it requires a trust that I hadn’t been willing to give before.” Wow! Exactly!

        Such a beautiful post. Thanks for letting us all in; that takes trust too. 🙂

      • Barely Pink April 13, 2011 at 12:28 pm #

        Thanks, little butterfly!

        It was fairly revealing. I felt like I was making a deep, dark confession. Thanks to all of the wonderful comments that contribute to making me feel safe to do so. 🙂

  6. Rayne April 10, 2011 at 11:39 am #

    Pink — so glad you and D have found something so beautiful together. It is a pleasure to read and live vicariously through your delicious words :D:D

    • Barely Pink April 10, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

      🙂

      Hey, Rayne…I’m going to send you a message. Wondering when you might be back this way again?

  7. Ronniesoul April 10, 2011 at 11:58 am #

    ‘Love is a many-splendored thing,
    It’s the April rose that only grows in the early spring,
    Love is nature’s way of giving a reason to be living,
    The golden crown that makes a man a king.
    Once on a high and windy hill,
    In the morning mist two lovers kissed and the world stood still,
    Then your fingers touched my silent heart and taught it how to sing,
    Yes, true love’s a many-splendored thing.’

    I thought of this song while I was reading your post:)
    I really do hope you get to spend more time together Pink.

    Love and hugs,
    Ronnie
    xx

    • Barely Pink April 10, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

      That is perfect,too, Ronnie.

      “Your fingers touched my silent heart and taught it how to sing.”

      Gorgeous. Thank you!

  8. Zelle April 10, 2011 at 1:44 pm #

    Hey Rayne.. I too love living vicariously through Pink’s musings.. her words are the epitome of “hope springs eternal” for moi. (smiles)

    • Barely Pink April 10, 2011 at 1:58 pm #

      Ah…and your words make my sides hurt. Has everyone read Zelle’s vision of a spanking community, Flogger Falls?

  9. D April 10, 2011 at 6:04 pm #

    Pink,

    What began as a bottom warming for you has grown into a radiance for us both.

  10. Erica April 10, 2011 at 11:08 pm #

    Beautiful… your writing makes me smile, Pink, and touches my heart.

    • Barely Pink April 11, 2011 at 8:33 am #

      Thanks, Erica! 🙂 And you WILL find a publisher for that book of yours, I know it.

  11. dd April 11, 2011 at 4:47 pm #

    Pink, I am so glad you found D and let him fully into your life. I have never had a spanking only relationship and can only imagine it akin to the few primarily sex only relationships I had, way back when, which so much did not agree with me! I am so glad you and D progressed beyond that.

    I have relations, of both sexes, who have been with partners more than twenty years younger than them for many years, so really do not believe that decades count. Only lifestyles, life goals and love need to match, age is just a mind game. Why, Michale has a Great Aunt Mildred who still gets spanked and put in the corner, albeit clinging to her zimmer frame 🙂

  12. Sierra April 12, 2011 at 11:21 pm #

    This made my heart smile… love finds a way, no? I’m so happy for you guys

    • Barely Pink April 13, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

      I never realized how much I was missing when I was more unfeeling. Even pain is better than the blankness that I had before.

      Thanks, Sierra. 🙂

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