Knowing

28 Feb

I tell you right away, knowing that nearly two weeks separate us, twelve days of opportunity to forget.
 
It’s unlikely, but perhaps events between now and then will soften your resolve. Maybe if I write enough poetry and dedications, you will take pity and relent.
 
The first day ticks by and ends in a question: Do I feel guilty?
 

There is only one answer, the honest one, and I give it, knowing that it will seal my fate.
 
Why wasn’t my resolve strong enough to resist the alluring, but wrong, choice? Why couldn’t I anticipate this resulting anxiety — this bitter pit that occupies my stomach and makes my mouth go dry? I should have been pulled into line by my own moral compass, but I failed. And now I’ve had to confess to you, and let your compass guide me.
 
Yes, I feel guilty.
 
You pass sentence; my guilt must be assuaged.

I wait, knowing what you plan to do. I know you will not relent. You will not soften. You will not forget.
 
You never offer indifference or abandonment, and easy redemption would feel cold. It is not the way with us; I do not forgive myself so easily.
 
On the twelfth day, anxiety and guilt reside heavily within me as I make my way to you. I extract them with the unbuttoning, unzipping, and lowering of my pants.
 
I meet your eyes and I know your love.

25 Responses to “Knowing”

  1. Zelle February 28, 2011 at 2:23 am #

    …melts… <–loved this!

    photos are great too… very touching.. draw you in and make you feel.. good work Pinkster!

    • Barely Pink February 28, 2011 at 2:10 pm #

      Thanks, Zelle! I love these photos that don’t really show a lot but that intimate the story.

  2. Ronniesoul February 28, 2011 at 5:32 am #

    As always great post Pink, loved it and pictures are perfect.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

  3. D February 28, 2011 at 10:20 am #

    Pink,
    After your panties are pushed low, raise your head up high. While there is certain recompense for your guilt, there’s no shame in admitting to it.

    • Barely Pink February 28, 2011 at 2:13 pm #

      There may not be shame in admitting my guilt, but it’s still a hard thing to do — not just because of the consequences but to find voice for my disappointment in myself. And to see your disappointment, however small, in me, too.

  4. Cruel Intentions February 28, 2011 at 11:33 am #

    Pink Firstly thank you very touching.

    I am at a difficult place in my life and you have scripted it perfectly. I felt as if you were speaking directly to me. As sad as this makes me feel it also gives me a little peace

    Cruel

    • Barely Pink February 28, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

      Hugs to you, Cruel, in your difficult times. I am not sure what you are going through, but if there’s any way I can help, please let me know.

      XXOO,

      Pink

      • Cruel Intentions March 1, 2011 at 10:46 am #

        Pink, Thanks for the Hugs. Forgiveness is much easier to give when you can both agree that there was a transgression. The people you are closest with have the ability to hurt you the most but part of caring about them is not hurting them back because of your own pain.

        In the end I will be fine. Like I said originally its like you were talking to me.

        Again Thank You

  5. Brett February 28, 2011 at 2:48 pm #

    Beautifully written and illustrated, Pink. Through submission to the guilt and to your disciplinarian, you can be released from the former and drawn ever closer to the latter.

    • Barely Pink February 28, 2011 at 8:58 pm #

      It is truly the beauty of what we do, isn’t it?

  6. lunargirl February 28, 2011 at 6:18 pm #

    Very touching and personal. Thank you for sharing.

    • Barely Pink February 28, 2011 at 8:59 pm #

      Hi, lunargirl! Thanks for reading… 🙂

  7. Emanuele Lombardi March 1, 2011 at 12:22 am #

    Still making a perfect picture with words and images.

    Thanks for the advise, I prostrate myself at your pretty feet.

    I’m not worthy

    (:

    Emanuele

    • Barely Pink March 1, 2011 at 10:19 pm #

      You absolutely are worthy. And my advice, for whatever it’s worth, is yours when you need it.

      XX,

      Pink

  8. Dioneo March 1, 2011 at 9:01 am #

    It is always a pleasure, Pink, to be brought into your world by how well you express your thoughts.

    • Barely Pink March 1, 2011 at 10:19 pm #

      Thanks, Dioneo. Remember the blogitis we spoke of? I’m deep in the throes.

  9. dd March 1, 2011 at 4:50 pm #

    Pink, as ever you describe these feelings so perfectly.

    • Barely Pink March 1, 2011 at 10:20 pm #

      Thanks, dd. Now if I could only make the perfect decisions. 😛

  10. Michael March 1, 2011 at 6:00 pm #

    Wonderfully lyrical, Pink, and one who cares will always assuage your guilt, and never offer indifference or abandonment.

    • Barely Pink March 1, 2011 at 10:22 pm #

      Tomorrow, Michael. Tomorrow I will venture out into the blogosphere and see what you and Season have been up to. I miss you guys!

      Hugs,

      Pink

  11. dd March 2, 2011 at 5:37 pm #

    Pink, if only we could all make the perfect decisions! I presume from the silence you are back in your ice palace again, commiserations…

    • Barely Pink March 3, 2011 at 7:26 pm #

      Close. I have Pneumonia. So it’s been a work/sleep cycle over here. I apologize for my absence.

  12. Season March 3, 2011 at 7:39 am #

    This really struck a chord with me, Pink. I’m not sure what comes first – does giving up control to Michael’s compass make me feel submissive? Or does being submissive lead me to give up control? There is a sweet tension I feel between not wanting to seal my fate by admitting my guilt, and by telling all, knowing what Michael’s resolve will lead him to do. I choose to submit, but I hate the waiting part.

    Wonderful pictures!

    • Barely Pink March 3, 2011 at 7:29 pm #

      That’s a great question, Season. For me, I choose to submit, to heed D’s compass. But my submissive side is my natural being, so perhaps in the safety of his presence I can allow myself to surrender.

      “Sweet tension”…that is a perfect description. It’s always anxiety-provoking when I know I have a confession. Not that I’d ever look to confess something, but when I have something I know will be met with disapproval, I never worry that he will give up on me. It is absolutely sweet.

      Hugs.

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