Woman vs. Wood

28 Nov

Shall it be death by fire?
 
Or perhaps I shall back over it with my car, and then advance, and then back over it again.  Surely it would crack then, rendering it useless.
 
Maybe I should plan a stealth operation and paddlenap it, under the cover of darkness, from its resting place in D’s toybag.
 
No matter the method, that paddle has got to go.
 
I say this without any hint of coyness.  There is no love-hate relationship here.  My abhorrence of the thick, wooden paddle is pure and unadulterated — I see that thing in D’s hand and my blood turns to ice.    It’s as if everything else in the universe ceases to exist and there is just that paddle and me, in a stand-off.
This morning, after the paddle retreated to the Black Bag of Hell,  I searched for evidence of our last battle — a battle from which I tearfully  emerged, defeated.  I searched under and between my cheeks, everywhere.  But there were no marks.  There was nothing to indicate how much I hurt, how much I cringed and pleaded with it to cease its relentless assault.
 
The paddle is mocking me.  It is belittling me, reminding me that it hasn’t used its full strength yet, its battalion of troops still waiting in the wings.   I do not appreciate mockery.  I do not appreciate its cowardly attack from behind my back — be paddle enough and face me, woman vs. wood.
 
I will win.  That paddle will be decimated.  One day.  The gauntlet has been thrown and I will claim my rightful title of “Pink the Great” and all the imps will cheer.
 
I will go medieval on its ass, like it has on mine, pulling it apart splinter by wicked splinter.     And I will laugh my evil laugh as it is reduced to a pile of kindling at my feet.
 
Mwuahaha.
 
Die, paddle, die.

22 Responses to “Woman vs. Wood”

  1. Indy November 28, 2010 at 12:28 pm #

    Gotta set it on fire, PInk. Especially now that it’s cold outside, that would be a good way to put it to use!

  2. Barely Pink November 28, 2010 at 12:32 pm #

    Indy, (welcome to my new home!) I agree. It would be put to much better use warming my hands than warming my bottom.

    I will set it on fire just as it has set me ablaze. Rawr. I mean business. 😛

  3. Em November 28, 2010 at 12:58 pm #

    Definitely go with the fire. But beware, the last time I broke a paddle (and I still very much debate who’s fault it was, seeing as *he* was yielding it when it cracked) it was replaced with a horrid lexan paddle. Not an improvement at all!

  4. Barely Pink November 28, 2010 at 1:05 pm #

    …and lexan is much harder to destroy. That won’t do it all. Thanks for the fair warning!

    If the paddle broke on your behind, I’d say that you were the clear, but innocent, victor. It is the paddle’s fault for sucking so much, not yours!

  5. Kate November 28, 2010 at 2:51 pm #

    I’m with Indy…it must be ‘accidentally’ used as kindling, and this is the perfect time of year.

    I’m sure you will be victorious over the insidious paddle, Pink, and I will cheer heartily upon your victory. 🙂

    Sorry your bottom is sore – hugs to you.

    • Barely Pink November 28, 2010 at 6:22 pm #

      I am trying to think of a scenario that would lend itself to such an “oopsie” moment. The best plan is if D placed it, unknowingly, on the fire himself.

      Can you sense me rubbing my hands? It will be done.

  6. D November 28, 2010 at 3:30 pm #

    Pink, we both know why that paddle was used last night.

    If you want it to stay in the bag, then heed these paraphrased words of my favorite blogger:

    “You know what to do. You’re barely pink”, which is proof that it could have been applied with more vigor.

    • Barely Pink November 28, 2010 at 6:23 pm #

      Yes, Sir, I know why that paddle was used last night. I also know that you could have applied it more forcefully.

      I still hate it. It still must die.

  7. Michael November 28, 2010 at 6:11 pm #

    Pink, when I read the title of this post, “Woman vs. Wood” my mind went in a completely different erection direction. Seriously, my sides were hurting from laughing. Wait! How can that be, seriously laughing? Oh, well, that’s was my reaction. You write so passionately and convincingly of your battle with the wooden paddle, but D uses your own words to defeat you – “I’M BARELY PINK. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.” Valiant effort, Pink, valiant but futile, honey.

    • Barely Pink November 28, 2010 at 6:25 pm #

      I almost titled this “Women hate wood”, but I thought I might receive too many objections. (Great minds think alike, Michael.)

      I’m happy you found my post humorous. I also hope that you will laugh equally hard when I write about my successful destruction of the paddle. 🙂

  8. Michael November 28, 2010 at 6:13 pm #

    Oops, should have been “that” not that’s.

    • Barely Pink November 28, 2010 at 6:26 pm #

      Everyone makes mistakes.

      See how forgiving I am? 😛

      • Michael November 28, 2010 at 7:27 pm #

        Very forgiving, Pink, especially with your tongue planted firmly in cheek.

  9. Anonymous November 28, 2010 at 7:24 pm #

    Pink, I will not laugh but I will smile very wide when D toasts your tush with a new implement after you destroy your bête noire.

  10. Em November 28, 2010 at 8:18 pm #

    Pink – That is what I said to him! I cannot be held responsible for him breaking the paddle on me. For some reason he refused to concede the point. Sadly, the most horrid of the wooden paddles was too horrid to ever break, though I am sure it was capable of breaking me.

    • Barely Pink November 29, 2010 at 12:01 pm #

      That kind of paddle is the kind I’m talking about. There will be no accidental breakage of this paddle. That is why I must plot its demise!

  11. Michael November 28, 2010 at 8:35 pm #

    Pink, I left this comment but don’t know why it showed up as anonymous:

    “Pink, I will not laugh but I will smile very wide when D toasts your tush with a new implement after you destroy your bête noire.”

    I was watching the Bears/Eagles football game so may have been distracted when leaving the comment.

    • Barely Pink November 29, 2010 at 11:59 am #

      LOL, I figured it was you! Aside from lexan, I have difficulty imagining a worse implement to replace the current wooden paddle. Even the cane is preferable. Of course, D knows this.

  12. Erica November 29, 2010 at 12:06 am #

    I am in complete agreement — wooden paddles must die. I don’t care how you do it. We must rid the world of these, one wretched paddle at a time.

    • Barely Pink November 29, 2010 at 12:00 pm #

      They deserve a fate worse than death. I think they are the universally hated implement among bottoms everywhere so revenge will be sweet!

  13. Brett November 29, 2010 at 11:17 am #

    Please be ecologically conscientious. Every time you destroy a paddle, we must cut down another tree to make a new one.

    Sorry you got paddled, Pink. Don’t want you to have to change your name to Barely Purple. XO

    • Barely Pink November 29, 2010 at 12:06 pm #

      And every time you make a new one, we must destroy it. It appears we are in a conundrum. Surrender the point, now, and let’s start saving trees today. 🙂

      The worst part of this whole experience is that there was no evidence of the paddle’s work, aside from the usual reddening of my cheeks. At least, if I’d turned purple, I could point at the mirror and say, “There! There’s the reason for my tears!”

      But, no, instead I feel like a lightweight. The injustice!

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