Does it come with sound?

If you’re anything like me, you storm the malls and boutiques on December 23, looking for the perfect gift for that special someone. Why wait? I’ve done some shopping for you.

Spankeuse Mécanique……$12.00

Discover the delicious tingle of a well-deserved spanking with this stress-busting toy. This professional duo have distilled years of experience to bring you red-handed action at various levels of intensity.

Mister Masturbation and Miss Masturbation…$12.00

Just off the runway and into your living room! Build your own fully masturbational Adam and Eve. Comes in vanilla and chocolate.

Each kit comes beautifully packaged and includes everything you need to build your very own paper power mechanical toy, available at World Upside Down.

Happy shopping!

Our secret handshake

Oh, I like him. But is he into spanking?

Well, wonder no more. Let’s start a revolution. For over a year now I’ve considered the idea of a secret pin that would identify spankos across the world. (I’m beginning to think I’m a girl obsessed with buttons.)

Perhaps this button from Zazzle is a bit obvious, but there could be lots of vanilla explanations for having it in one’s possession.

But for the spankos out there, we’d know. Oh yes, our spankdar would be going full throttle.

Of course, there may also be some confused canoeists out there: What did that girl with the great ass mean when she asked if I top or bottom?

Update: Friends have pointed out that buttons are currently available at Birchwood Academy Cafe Press. I like this one in particular but am also in favor of the “Top” and “bottom” options.

Eggs with a side of vibe

One of these days, I’ll introduce you to my two friends with whom I occasionally breakfast and discuss kinky happenings, but not today. On the latest get-together, we bopped down to the adult toy store and spent about an hour wading through corsets, thigh-highs, and vibrators.

As we made our way to the cash register, I found myself empty-handed but full of ideas for my next purchases. And then I saw it — nestled in a little container next to the register was this thumb-sized vibrator attached to a cord. It’s called the “Promise finger ring” by Evolved. And it came in pink. But did it have power?

Soon the saleslady was demonstrating the vibe action for us, showing the variable speeds and functions that were controlled by a button on the ring at the end of the cord. Small, quietly powerful and versatile, this bullet would be perfect for a discreet public orgasm. Sold!

Empty-handed no longer, I tucked my purchase inside my purse and waited for the perfect moment to try it out.

That moment happened about a half-an-hour later; willpower has never been my strong suit. And my mind wandered to other uses for it. How would it feel to be spanked while this bullet pulsed away? Could it work its magic for both my partner and I while he was inside me? What if I put it there instead of here?

The answers: blissful, oh yeah, and WOW!

(Check out the pink reviews for more kinky merchandise recommendations. And feel free to email me with any that you love or hate.)

Toasted, with a side of butter

Let’s take care of our bottoms, alright? I mean, in this kink of ours, they are a pretty major focus. And as much “abuse” as mine takes, I like it to feel soft, look smooth, and be well-admired. I want my bottom to be toasted, with a side of butter.

There’s this product that I use. It is a-ma-zing. Origins makes an exfoliator called “Incredible Spreadable Scrub” and comes in several tantalizing scents. The one I prefer? Ginger. (They also make a fabulous line of ginger souffle lotion and bath creams.) Use it with a mesh poof (what ARE those things called?) for maximum effect.

Word to the wise, throw that mesh poof out after a week and get a new one. They are breeding grounds for bacteria so it would kind of defeat the purpose to have them hanging around for too long. (And you can get them at any dollar store for…a dollar.)

Having a smooth, soft bottom is my personal invitation for him to stay awhile. Even after last night’s ministrations (there was more spanking following my discipline), my bottom is soft and pliable and ready for more. Hello, Saturday!

What are some of your bottom-beauty secrets?

Ode to a corset

Look at her: the calculated-yet-alluring glance over her shoulder, her hair falling seductively over one eye; one leg thrust slightly back casting a subtle invitation;  the vinyl conforming to the curves of her waist while highlighting the delightful, delicious fullness of her bottom; the garters circling the mark while her stockings accentuate the bare of her upper thighs and round cheeks.

I imagine her partner sitting in a comfortable chair, his legs splayed while he gobbles up the sight of her.  Eyes hard in their desire of her softness, he is intent on possessing her but bides his time. 

It will happen.  She wants it.  He wants it.

But for now, they dance.

(Corset available at http://www.fetishflair.net/, offering small to plus size.)

My most excellent shopping adventure

I swear I do more than shop. But in between appointments today, I popped into a store I rarely, if ever, enter. (Little story about road rage in between, in which I actually yelled “dick fucker”, two words I have never combined before in my life. Today’s vocabulary lesson provided by the bozo who nearly sideswiped me.)

The store: Burlington Coat Factory. My mission: success!

Did you know that they have corsets for $9.99? Corsets! For $9.99! And, surprisingly, they were not made of material that will make my sensitive skin break out in hives.

They also had the famed Playboy one-piece, drop-seat pjs, which I have had my eye on for months and months. *Sigh…It was as I suspected: they are not designed for a long-framed woman such as myself. But at least I know now and can cross them off my list. But really, they have them for $14.99 and they are as cute in person as online.

So what did I walk out of there with, besides my renewed mouth-of-a-sailor? Some sassy lingerie, hot heels, and a new plaid skirt, all for under $30. Who says a lady can’t be cheap AND dirty?

(Ankle cuffs available at http://www.northbound.com.)

Wish list…answered

An important man in my life believes that there are no coincidences.

I’ll leave this decision to my 5 readers after I give my brief and purposely vague account of the weekend.

Friday afternoon, and there are three items on my wishlist: a Hitachi wand, restraints from adamandeve.com, and a thick wooden paddle from spankinc.com. I had already ordered the wand (with two attachments…squee!), having considered it previously, and am anxiously awaiting Tuesday’s mail.

It is finally Saturday night, and I am presented with (drumroll)…the wooden paddle. Not the exact one, mind you, but with near identical measurements. My assessment: strictly punishment, no fun to be had there! Cross that item off my list, please and thank you.

Imagine my surprise when I next meet a restraint system similar to the one I had my eye on, quickly followed by the Hitachi wand! My assessment: in the interest of modesty (and a good sense of self-preservation), I will only say that the restraints should arrive in about a week. And the Hitachi? Money well spent.

Yes…that good. And regardless of the existence of coincidence, I do believe in fortune. And I am one fortunate, pink-cheeked, satisfied girl.

Happy Sunday night!

Clone-a-Willy

As a belated Easter present to myself (and a sure sign that my soul is in peril), I spent some time today shopping around for some helpful additions to my toy collection. The folks at babeland.com never disappoint.

Here is a product that will revolutionize the online dating world! REVOLUTIONIZE, I say.

It’s the Clone-a-Willy! You can make an exact replica of your cock and send it to anyone in the world! “Craft night has never been so fun” when the molding materials, silicone powder and slimline vibe come together to form your custom, vibrating cock.

And for those ladies out there who prefer variety without the guilt, what better way to immortalize their partners’ cocks for a little rainy day pick-me-up? Whether she’s feeling like it’s a Joe, or a Steve, or an Enrique kind of a night, Clone-a-Willy to the rescue.

Or perhaps you’re more like me, and one cock is enough, keep it in the bedside table and when the need arises, “hello, Benjamin.” It certainly would be more meaningful than my current fav, B.o.b. (Battery Operated Boyfriend), although I hesitate to disparage him and his fine work in recent dryer months.

Start adding to your cock collection or to that of a deserving friend in need here: http://store.babeland.com/dildos-silicone-realistic/clone-a-willy-kit.

Christmas will be here before we know it!

Author’s note: I do not view cocks as commodities. Nor do I know a Joe, a Steve, an Enrique, or a Benjamin. B.o.b., however, is quite real.