How to Get More Done by Pretending You’re About to be Spanked

The hours leading up to a spanking are spent in frenzied doing. I get more done on those weekly occasions than I accomplish the other six days combined. Sinks shine. Fresh sheets are installed on the bed. Eyebrows are magically plucked. Vacuuming, dusting, exfoliating, primping all happen in a matter of hours.
 
I’m no slouch on a day-to-day basis, but when I’m expecting a spanking, I become an efficient machine.
 
So how do I channel this nervous energy every day, when a spanking is a far-off prospect?
 
Here’s my plan:
 
1. Get several life-size cardboard cut-outs of my Dom. Place them in high traffic areas. He should be holding a paddle or something likewise menacing.
 

Probably not with a sword. Unless that's your thing.

2. Some people get revved by playing music. Instead I will record the sound of belt removal and a spanking and play it on the stereo while cleaning. This audio is a good starting point.
 
3. Currently my bath brush is in my toy bag. A better place for it would be in my shower: hurry! faster! scrub, scrub, shave!
 

I'll see that bath brush hanging in the shower and think of this.

 
4. Imagination is a powerful thing. I will write a script of a fantasy spanking and fine-tune my part while vacuuming. “I didn’t want to be the one to tell you that you needed a cane, Sir. However, I have noticed you slowing down over the last few months.” That will be fine-tuned to, “Catch me if you can!”
 
5. I’ll think about what will happen if he arrives to find me as I am: disorderly and frantic. This may prove detrimental to cleaning as it might inspire me to live in disarray while I wait for his brand of motivation. Revision — pretend that I didn’t clean while I’m cleaning.
 
So there you have it, my step-by-step plan for domestic goddesshood. Eat your heart out, Good Housekeeping.

All I Need to Know…

All I really need to know I learned from spanking:
 
1. Pain is inevitable. Composure is optional.
 
2. Be proud of your body. Even if it’s not the “right” shape, there is joy to be found in every molecule.
 
3. Every relationship can be improved with the existence of a safe word.
 
4. When you need a hug, don’t be the first to pull away. Give in to the hug; let yourself be comforted.
 

5. Don’t be afraid of waving the white flag. It takes more strength to admit your limits than to remain silent.
 
6. Short skirts have their time and place.
 
7. Know your way but be accepting of others’.
 
8. Always wear clean panties.
 

9. Things often get worse before they get better. Grit your teeth, pull up your socks, and don’t lose sight of the end goal.
 
10. Never, ever eat beans.

Seven Habits of Highly Spankable People

Let’s face it: spanking can suck.
 
Have you ever dragged your feet around the kitchen, waiting for him to realize that there’s a willing bottom present? Or sighed loudly and emphatically, hoping to get his attention, only to be answered with a snore on the pillow beside you?
 
Every relationship has its lulls, but perhaps it’s time to recharge. Perhaps it’s time to be spankable.
 
1. We are inquisitive. New methods, new implements, new positions — we read about them and add them to our to-do lists. Although steeped in tradition, spanking is not formulaic and we seek ways to keep the excitement alive.
 
2. We are confident. Sure, our bottoms may not be as round, small, squishy or toned as we’d like. We can concentrate on the pleasures of spanking instead of obsessing about the angle that best complements our bodies. Give us a tight pair of pants and we can work those buns in a mouth-watering dance– and we know it. This makes us super-sexy and infinitely spankable.
 

 
3. We seek opportunity. We are always on the ready for a well-spanked bottom, whether the conditions are ideal or not. A public bench is not so public at 2 am (or 2 pm depending on where you are). A backseat doubles as a hotel room in a spanking emergency. Guests are coming in 30 minutes? Time enough for the hairbrush. We are game.
 
4. We think of spanking often. A shapely bottom in front of us, a casual phrase spoken in the office, the way our panties hug our cheeks, all arouse desire within us. That desire is communicated through lip twists, hair twirls, and flushed cheeks, which greatly increase our spankability.
 
5. Our wit is sharp. Rarely do we neglect the chance for a kind-hearted challenge during a discussion about mundane affairs. Some may call this bratting. I do not. I call it spankifying.

6. We are passionate. Eating, sleeping, laughing, loving, living — you name it, we attack it. This vibrancy attracts people to us and increases our spanking appeal.
 
7. We move to tease. Understanding that spankos are highly visual and tactile beings, we strive to appear touchable and inviting. It is not an accident that you saw the tops of our thigh highs when we bent to pick up the newspaper. Nor is it an accident that we dropped the paper in the first place.
 
You won’t find the most self-explanatory way to achieve complete spankability on this list. It’s too obvious to warrant a number: just ask.
 
There is nothing as spankable as a bottom asking a willing partner to spank her (or him). It works nearly every time.
 

Most of us are great, but…

Before I was fortunate to stumble into D on Spankfinder, I had an encounter that almost made me hang up my spanko hat in favor of something safer, and ultimately less exciting. But instead, I continued my search, wiser and ready to find the true thing.

Aside from the golden rules of a safe word and a safety (a person who knows your whereabouts), what are some other things you should do to protect yourself when meeting someone from an online forum?

A lot of great information can be found on vanilla dating sites. But, from my own personal experiences as well as acquaintances’, I’ve compiled a short list of tips tailored to our kink:

1. Distrust proclamations of love given before you actually meet. It’s not real until it’s real. And he’s not a knight until you make him one.

2. Never, ever allow someone to restrain you on your first meeting. This seems like common sense, but sometimes the heat of the moment can have you disregarding personal safety. Don’t. There are a few amoral people out there waiting to snap your picture while in a compromised position — or worse.
   
3. Google the person. You can find out their actual age, profession, and other things they may have been less than honest with you about. This is a good site to find out your prospective’s real age and location.
4. Trust your gut — we are better at reading people than we give ourselves credit. If your gut tells you that something is “off”, believe it.
5. Spankees, never share your limits before the spanker shares theirs. Ask questions — forwards, backwards, rephrase them until you are satisfied. Make sure you know what kind of top you’re potentially getting involved with before you are caught in an undesired situation. If a top refuses to share this information, move on. Once limits have been discussed, be clear and persistent about them.

Be smart, be safe. We are a minority — pickings may be slim — but never disregard your safety and your instincts out of horniness. The real thing, whether it be for casual meets or a life-long relationship, will come along.

Until then, I can recommend a really great vibrator.

Things to do when not getting spanked

I am spoiled rotten — not because of trinkets or baubles or shoes or the antics I get away with. I am spoiled because I have the delicious luxury of being spanked often. However. These past two weeks have frustrated me as I have found myself among the palest of the pale. That’s right: no spanking for two whole weeks. See? Spoiled. (I detect your eyerolls.)

Aside from pouting (at which I am colossally poor), how have I occupied my time? What do I do when I’m busy being unspanked?

1. Think about spanking. And then try to stop thinking about spanking, which leads to even more thinking because why should I not think about spanking? Right?

2. Get some fresh air. Whilst in the fresh air, remember your last outdoor spanking. Scope out a handy hide-away for your next adventure.

3. Watch a movie that has absolutely nothing do with spanking. Rewrite a scene in your head to include a surprise session. My favorite? Well, I’m a girl, so in “Dirty Dancing” I like to throw in some spanking scenes between Johnny Castle and Baby while he’s teaching her to dance. THAT’S how she really learned her dance routine. Oh, and by the way, somebody does put Baby in the corner.

4. Amass photographs. My collection of spank-related artwork and pictures greatly increases in dry seasons. I like to play the “Google Image” game: type in a silly phrase like “spank cake” and see all the crazy things that pop up. Dibs on the groom-spanking-the-bride cake topper.

5. Talk about spanking. Let your friends walk you through these hard times.

6. Stop thinking about it! Sheesh. It’ll happen again. Your bottom is bound to find its way over another lap prior to 2011. Most likely.

7. Wine. And then imagine an implement-tasting tour instead of a wine-tasting. My favorite vintage is definitely “Leather house”, circa 2009. Ah, I love the full-bodied aroma. (Does this make me weird? I suspect.)

8. Sleep. Tell yourself that you won’t dream of spanking and you surely will. It’s inevitable.

9. Shop. This activity really needs no explanation. But my wish list for sexy items has now grown to include the Cane-iac Spanking Buddy, a gorgeous new custom corset, and a pair of shoes, just because.

10. You know what I’m going to say here. I have a reputation for vibrating toys. Employ them. Now.

Yes, there are other things to do, like: eating, working, reading a book, community service, exercising, socializing, cleaning the house, and generally becoming a better person. But really those are just minor details on the road to Spankville.

My train to that mystical village is leaving in about 4 hours. It’s good to be spoiled yet again. I think — ask me again tomorrow.

Pull my trigger

It’s a quirk of the eyebrows, a slight pull of the lips, a pause, a sigh, a hand run through his hair in exasperation. There are so many things that pull my trigger, get me hot, that it’s hard to discern all of the separate ingredients that make a sexy exchange. Altogether, I feel like a well-chastened bug zapper waiting to crackle and pop, my sparks sending waves of hair-raising energy to anyone fortunate enough to be near.

So I offer you a very brief list of the things that are creamy, dreamy, and just plain steamy:

1. The mechanics of sleeve rolling, slow and deliberate, with eye contact and a steady determination that indicates the plan in mind requires some elbow grease;

2. The jangle of a belt buckle. I swear I have sonar for this, this erotic clank and ring raise gooseflesh from the other room;

3. “And what do you think we need to do about this, young lady?” Let’s start by wringing out my panties, Sir;

4. Pulling out an armless chair, letting it drag across the carpet to the center of the room; the slide of the wooden legs to their destination are like nails across my belly, a nipple-tightening sensation that makes my thighs quiver and my mouth go dry;

5. Grabbing a knuckle-full of my hair without warning while issuing a direct and short stare before releasing me, a reminder that, at any time, I am his;

6. Asking for it, my hands clasped before me, my bottom lip pulled in between my teeth, my gaze belying the passion and need inside, my voice direct yet shy;

7. The simplicity of a gentle pat on my bottom in public, a signal of tenderness and reassurance wrapped in the heat of a promise;

8. An early phone call, “tonight you will be spanked,” and all of the other details are kept purposely vague, inspiring my mind to work its creative story-telling ability to develop a hot, hot scene;

9. Inspection before making an over-the-knee trip, instructing me to drop my jeans and stand, motionless before him while he caresses my bottom first with his eyes and then with his hands;

10. The surprise attack: a sudden unsnapping of my jeans, strong hands pushing me over the kitchen table, the yank of my panties to my knees for a short and quick, spontaneous session that is as hard as it is desired.

Hmmm….now excuse me while I go celebrate May, National Masturbation Month.

5 simple rules

Having spent considerable time over the last year on numerous dating sites, vanilla and lifestyle alike, I feel entitled to make some sweeping generalizations. Bear with me for my 5 rules of hitting the back button on a man’s profile, and if this offends, I apologize. There are, of course, exceptions.

He MIGHT need personal enrichment classes if:

1. Before he even knows you, he is yelling at you in ALL CAPS;

2. His profile picture is of his cock…in someone’s mouth;

3. He is posed next to his prized possession: a faux wood-paneled minivan, or any car for that matter. (note: I hold no importance on what kind of vehicle someone drives, but if you use your car as a personal selling point it leads me to believe that there isn’t much there to sell. Motorcycles notwithstanding.);

4. He carefully capitalizes all pronouns in reference to himself but ignores any other acceptable grammatical practices;

5. He is scowling in every photograph. Looks like fun! Sign me up!

Those were the rules I lived by. What are some of yours?